The Best Funny Retirement Quotes

Find a job you love and maybe you'll never need to retire! That may take a while so in the meantime here's a Top 10 list of the best funny retirement quotes I could find.

Crumpled face of old dog in with golf club and funny retirement quote.

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A Top 10 List of the
Funniest Retirement Quotations


"Retirement life begins
when the kids move out and the cat gets run over."

- Anon


"The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest.
You are always being asked to do things,
and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down."

- T. S. Eliot


"I'm not just retiring from the company,
I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron."

- Hartman Jule


"Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did."

- Robert Benchley


"I really stay busy [in retirement].
I often have to cancel my golf games on the weekends
to go play in tennis tournaments."

- Richard Davies


"There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . . retire!"

- Groucho Marx


"A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job."

- Ella Harris


"Retirement: When you quit working just before your heart does."

- Anon


"It's no longer a question of staying healthy.
It's a question of finding a sickness you like."

- Jackie Mason


"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap."

- Bob Hope

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More Funny Retirement Quotes

"The money is no better in retirement but the hours are!"

- Anon

"If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
there'd be a shortage of fishing poles."

- Doug Larson

"Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas.
The goal is to enjoy it the fullest,
but not so fully that you run out of money."

- Jonathan Clements

"Never get out of bed before noon."

- Charles Bukowski

"Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty."

- Joan Rivers

"When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance,
his colleagues generally present him with a watch."

- R.C. Sherriff

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