Funny Quotes

Forget about inspirational quotes for now! Here is a Top 10 list of funny quotes from some of the best comedians around. These are just for pure laughs alone.

Laughing till it hurts emoticone.

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Hopefully you'll know at least some of these stand-up comedians, it definitely helps if you have seen these comic geniuses in action. As you read these quotes you can visualise them on stage, their mannerisms, gestures, expressions, deadpanness or not. Is that a word? I'm going to stop typing now and just let you enjoy!

Top 10 List of Funny Quotes
from some of The Best Comedians


"There's very little advice in men's magazines,
because men don't think there's a lot they don't know.
Women do. Women want to learn.
Men think - I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Jerry Seinfeld 1954 - present : American comedian, actor and writer

"I will never understand why they cook on TV.
I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it.
The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, -
Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

Jerry Seinfeld 1954 - present : American comedian, actor and writer


"I had to have a brace because I had big teeth.
If I'd gone to Africa I would have got poached."

Alan Carr 1976 - present : English comedian and presenter


"Never trust a man who when left alone with a tea cosy doesn't try it on."

Billy Connolly 1942 - present : Scottish comedian, actor and musician


"All we really require is 1 drawer, that is all men want, 1 drawer,
this is not a drawer we will pick out early.
A drawer will come available,
we will tentatively enquire as to it's usage,
'darling this drawer here, can I have this drawer for me'?…
Yes I think you can…

good this will be my man drawer!"

Michael McIntyre 1976 - present : English comedian and presenter


(On Dance Dance Revolution)
"The hardest f****** thing I have ever tried in my life.
I was one step behind every moment.
I was doing so bad the machine even said - 'Do you even have legs?'
It just said that right in front of the screen!"

Russell Peters 1970 - present : Canadian comedian and actor


"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars,
just intense negotiations every 28 days."

Robin Williams 1951 - present : American comedian and actor

"The Russians love Brooke Shields because
her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."

Robin Williams 1951 - present : Comedian and actor

"We had gay burglars the other night.
They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

Robin Williams 1951 - present : American comedian and actor


"I can't swim. I can't drive either. I was going to learn but then
I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake? Then I'm f*****!"

Dylan Moran 1971 - present : Irish comedian, actor and writer

"You're supposed to eat the cows.
They're great big lumbering stupid things -
they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them."

Dylan Moran 1971 - present : Irish comedian, actor and writer

Groucho emoticone


"If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much -
just an occasional sun visor."

Groucho Marx 1890 - 1977 : American comedian and actor


"In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought…
I must put a roof on this lavatory."

Les Dawson 1934 - 1993 : English Comedian and tv host


"They say men can never experience the pain of childbirth. They can…
…if you hit them in the goolies with a cricket bat for fourteen hours."

Jo Brand 1957 - present : English comedienne and writer

Ouch that last one hurt just reading it!
I hope you enjoyed reading these as much as I did compiling them.
Thanks for visiting.

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